How to be Mummified

Checklist for becoming a Yummy Mummy a.k.a., Alpha Mother

1. Short cropped blond Barbie hair
My hair is mainly white nowadays, courtesy of age, three kids and a business, but let’s be generous and call it blond. Been to hairdresser a few days ago, and am now suitably choiffured.

2. Casual Uniform for picking up kids:
Pink/green tweed coat, designer trousers or long suede shirt, brown leather loafers or brown three-inch heeled boots (Damn I’m gonna miss my leather jacket and trainers. Sigh), black polo-neck jumper. Prada or Mulberry handbag (Ebay is my friend). Do you know that these handbags each have a serial code in gold on the side of each, registered in the company database? Boggling. WHY???? To be a unique collectors item, I’m told. Thus each yummy mummy has their very own serial number I guess. Stepford Wives indeed!

The exception to this uniform is Fridays and weekends, when designer jeans and Joules sweatshirts are allowed when the YM’s meet during the shoot. Before you get your hopes up, this is shooting BIRDS with a real shotgun, the feathered variety, not models. Ladies who Lunch get together and prepare a traditional roast Sunday Luncheon whilst their man is out bonding with other men and being….er….manly and bagging pheasants.
(I have tried to tell Rich to “Go forth and shoot birds”, but as there aren’t any real women involved this time, his enthusiasm is somewhat lacking)

3. The plucking process
No, this isn’t the plucking of the poor pheasant, although that happens too, no doubt. I am referring of course to the plucking of women. No, no, no photography.
We are ladies who pluck. Our eyebrows, chin, upper lip, waxed legs, armpits, bikini, and hell, we may as well go the whole hog and have our heads waxed too….(you have to admit it would be cool for modelling).

4. Long manicured painted nails/talons
These MUST be painted beige.. Alpha mothers are very big on mud shades and beige. Actually talons might also come in handy for modelling if I rebel and paint them glossy red. Think of all those glossy red nails raking flesh in the throws of rampant ecstasy. Sounds divine. Need red latex to go with it though. (Beige latex sounds horrible)

5. Makeup
More beige, and towelled on please. Beige eyeliner, beige lipstick, nothing interesting. May as well stick my (now bald) head in a bucket of beige paint.
I hate wearing makeup. Men never comprehend the effort that goes into it. You try wearing clay on your face all day every day and see how that makes you feel. Go on…I challenge you!

Mummyfication Process Complete.
End product = perfect alpha mother clone.

It will be interesting to see if the pack accept me, don’t you think ? Welcome me into the flock a the long-lost sheep that I am ? Wll they be able to tell that I’m a fake ??? Or will I get flooded with dinner party invitations ?

BTW, the last dinner party we threw was a toga party two years ago, where Rich got very drunk, spent the night bouncing up and down on an airbed with another drunken YM (purely innocently) and told the other YM’s husband that he was an awful parent and not worthy of drinking his wine. And that, my friends, was the end of our social life



This is Holli B, taken last year. A real mummy now - her baby's gorgeous too!