The Bondage Shoot Disaster
We photographed a model a few weeks back. She was a lovely girl. Most of the shoot was art-nude, but it had been pre-arranged to shoot a bit of bondage at the end of the shoot, with me in that part of the shoot as well. She was happy to do this. She had shot bondage before, and had no problem with shooting this style again.
So far, so good.
The art-nude part of the shoot went really well, although Rich has yet to finish the pictures. The bondage part of the shoot also went well, or so it seemed initially. We didn’t do anything outrageous, just tying her ankles to a chair (very loosely – easily a couple of fingers width between ankle and chair), and her arms tied loosely above her head, and the rope looped over a hook on the ceiling. She mostly held the rope, so she could govern how high she lifted her arms. That was the extent of it. No other gags, or blindfolds or anything like that. All the time Rich was saying “Are you O.K. with this, are you sure? Please stop if you aren’t comfortable with this in any way”, to which she replied, “No, no I’m fine”. But I noticed her face was tense. She looked unhappy. Again I checked, “Are you sure you are O.K.? We can stop this if you’re not happy” Again, “No problem”.
So we persevered. I was present at the shoot, to make sure everything was O.K, and position and hold the rope occasionally. Rich had the idea that I dressed in costume – a zentai suit, part of the anonymous zentai series that Richard is shooting. She was O.K. with this (we checked). But then at the end of the shoot, when I took off my mask so I could see (I was blind as a bat before then), and I helped untie her, that she practically tore at the ropes to get them off. We worked quickly, and removed them within a few seconds. And then the crunch came. I noticed that she looked pretty grim – her mouth was set and looked unhappy, and then I saw that she discreetly wiped tears from her eyes, when she was getting dressed.
I asked if she was O.K. “Fine” she said. And she stayed for a while afterwards, and had some lunch and a good ol’ chat as we always do with models and photographers who visit. And we parted on good terms. She loved the photos.
No harm done. Right ?
Wrong.
Since the shoot, I have been extremely upset, unable to sleep or eat properly. An emotional mess.
I feel terrible. I can’t bear the idea of the fear I saw in her eyes when I took off the mask. I have rejected bondage completely (previously I thought it was a bit of fun). I’m a gentle soul really – I can’t bear the idea of causing harm to another living thing, let alone a person. I feel horribly guilty at making someone cry, putting someone outside their personal comfort zone. I don’t mind play acting, or creating Art, but when it gets too “real” and the submissiveness and upset is genuine, then I can’t handle it. I looked into her eyes and saw myself, 20 years ago, scared and abused by my then-boyfriend. It brought back the pain, the anguish, the guilt. Horrible, really horrible. I thought I had forgotten it, but that moment dredged the whole lot back up again.
Poor Rich has been patient, comforting, despairing and finally annoyed with me. He says “She’s O.K. She consented to do that. We checked before, during and after the shoot that she was O.K. with it” Obviously he was upset that she wasn’t happy, but he says that we did all that we could, and we weren’t to know that she had issues. Plus he says that she could have stopped at any point she was upset – we made that very clear. He says I’m projecting her upset onto me.
He’s right of course. He usually is.
Some folks are going to think that I should get therapy for the events of 20 years ago. The thing is, I made my peace with my past a long time ago. I am healed, or at least as much as anyone can be after something like that. Regarding the shoot of a few weeks ago, I know it’s not my fault that the model wasn’t completely honest with herself or us about how she felt, and I know she may have private issues of her own. She’s a lovely girl, and very professional, but that still doesn’t stop me acting irrationally and feeling bad about what happened.
Currently I’m in a bit of an emotional pickle. The experience (my first joint bondage shoot) was ultimately a total disaster, and it’s put me off bondage for a while. I don’t want to limit Rich’s Art, but simultaneously I don’t want him to shoot any bondage in the near future either. At the moment, I can’t even look at the images from the shoot.
Rich is exasperated, completely understandably. He’s got lots of cool ideas for shoots, and I’m rejecting the whole bondage thing. We are going in separate directions.
I think I’ll be fine, but I need to shoot some more romantic “fluffy” bondage, with an experienced bondage model, whom I know and trust– something a bit lighter and happier, so I can regain my confidence in the whole thing, rather than dredging up the past. I need to have some fun with it, otherwise I’m not going to get past this experience.
This post is not to gain sympathy in any way from you guys, it’s simply by way of explaining what’s been going on in the last few weeks, and why I’ve been a bit quiet.
Of course, I’m a novice model at this sort of thing. Two novices at bondage, plus operating outside personal comfort zones = emotional disaster.
Sigh.
We’re still learning.
Roswell Ivory, a nice happy, glossy latex piccie, which always cheers me up :-)
So far, so good.
The art-nude part of the shoot went really well, although Rich has yet to finish the pictures. The bondage part of the shoot also went well, or so it seemed initially. We didn’t do anything outrageous, just tying her ankles to a chair (very loosely – easily a couple of fingers width between ankle and chair), and her arms tied loosely above her head, and the rope looped over a hook on the ceiling. She mostly held the rope, so she could govern how high she lifted her arms. That was the extent of it. No other gags, or blindfolds or anything like that. All the time Rich was saying “Are you O.K. with this, are you sure? Please stop if you aren’t comfortable with this in any way”, to which she replied, “No, no I’m fine”. But I noticed her face was tense. She looked unhappy. Again I checked, “Are you sure you are O.K.? We can stop this if you’re not happy” Again, “No problem”.
So we persevered. I was present at the shoot, to make sure everything was O.K, and position and hold the rope occasionally. Rich had the idea that I dressed in costume – a zentai suit, part of the anonymous zentai series that Richard is shooting. She was O.K. with this (we checked). But then at the end of the shoot, when I took off my mask so I could see (I was blind as a bat before then), and I helped untie her, that she practically tore at the ropes to get them off. We worked quickly, and removed them within a few seconds. And then the crunch came. I noticed that she looked pretty grim – her mouth was set and looked unhappy, and then I saw that she discreetly wiped tears from her eyes, when she was getting dressed.
I asked if she was O.K. “Fine” she said. And she stayed for a while afterwards, and had some lunch and a good ol’ chat as we always do with models and photographers who visit. And we parted on good terms. She loved the photos.
No harm done. Right ?
Wrong.
Since the shoot, I have been extremely upset, unable to sleep or eat properly. An emotional mess.
I feel terrible. I can’t bear the idea of the fear I saw in her eyes when I took off the mask. I have rejected bondage completely (previously I thought it was a bit of fun). I’m a gentle soul really – I can’t bear the idea of causing harm to another living thing, let alone a person. I feel horribly guilty at making someone cry, putting someone outside their personal comfort zone. I don’t mind play acting, or creating Art, but when it gets too “real” and the submissiveness and upset is genuine, then I can’t handle it. I looked into her eyes and saw myself, 20 years ago, scared and abused by my then-boyfriend. It brought back the pain, the anguish, the guilt. Horrible, really horrible. I thought I had forgotten it, but that moment dredged the whole lot back up again.
Poor Rich has been patient, comforting, despairing and finally annoyed with me. He says “She’s O.K. She consented to do that. We checked before, during and after the shoot that she was O.K. with it” Obviously he was upset that she wasn’t happy, but he says that we did all that we could, and we weren’t to know that she had issues. Plus he says that she could have stopped at any point she was upset – we made that very clear. He says I’m projecting her upset onto me.
He’s right of course. He usually is.
Some folks are going to think that I should get therapy for the events of 20 years ago. The thing is, I made my peace with my past a long time ago. I am healed, or at least as much as anyone can be after something like that. Regarding the shoot of a few weeks ago, I know it’s not my fault that the model wasn’t completely honest with herself or us about how she felt, and I know she may have private issues of her own. She’s a lovely girl, and very professional, but that still doesn’t stop me acting irrationally and feeling bad about what happened.
Currently I’m in a bit of an emotional pickle. The experience (my first joint bondage shoot) was ultimately a total disaster, and it’s put me off bondage for a while. I don’t want to limit Rich’s Art, but simultaneously I don’t want him to shoot any bondage in the near future either. At the moment, I can’t even look at the images from the shoot.
Rich is exasperated, completely understandably. He’s got lots of cool ideas for shoots, and I’m rejecting the whole bondage thing. We are going in separate directions.
I think I’ll be fine, but I need to shoot some more romantic “fluffy” bondage, with an experienced bondage model, whom I know and trust– something a bit lighter and happier, so I can regain my confidence in the whole thing, rather than dredging up the past. I need to have some fun with it, otherwise I’m not going to get past this experience.
This post is not to gain sympathy in any way from you guys, it’s simply by way of explaining what’s been going on in the last few weeks, and why I’ve been a bit quiet.
Of course, I’m a novice model at this sort of thing. Two novices at bondage, plus operating outside personal comfort zones = emotional disaster.
Sigh.
We’re still learning.
Roswell Ivory, a nice happy, glossy latex piccie, which always cheers me up :-)
Labels: Bondage, Roswell Ivory
posted by Lin at 1:07 PM
5 Comments:
"Romantic, fluffy bondage"?
What an affront. But Since you're upset I'll give you a pass on that -- for now.
Simply put, it's the model's job to inform the photographer and anyone else on the set if she/he is uncomfortable with anything that's going on. Failure to do so places all accountability on said model's shoulders squarely.
I'd like to say I understand how you feel, but I really don't. The model dropped the ball not Rich. If you don't want to be part of his photographic exploration of bondage/fetish, well and good, but you should make it clear that he has the right to explore those ideas with other models --and you don't get to resort to the "I'm old and ugly" routine while he does so. That sort of behavior would be most unfair to Rich, not only as an artist, but as a partner/husband.
Let me reiterate that the abuse of your past has nothing to do with bondage/fetish/bdsm play whatsoever. There is no consent in abuse, while mutual consent and understanding is at the core of responsible bondage activitty. It's really that simple.
I also suggest that the model's emotional reaction may have been what she was after in the first place. Part of erotic submission is the release of deep-rooted emotions that may be inaccessible oherwise. She may have been discreet about it simply because she knew your reaction to her tears might have been negative. I strongly suggest that you discuss this issue with the model before writing this experience off as a "disaster".
I'm giving you a walk on the "playacting" and "bit of fun" remarks too. For now...But only because you're upset. Don't be surprised to see a future blog entry discussing the mindset that fetish/bdsm/bondage is something not to be taken seriously.
Mnmjr,
I realise your comment was posted with the best of intentions, but you do not know the details of what Lin has been through and so you cannot guage the validity of her response to a given situation.
Lin and I both know that bondage is about consent, but that doesnt mean that it cant be deeply upsetting when it triggers an emotional response in someone. To trivialise it as being "really that simple" would show that you dont understand how traumatic some event can be for people.
Lin has no intention of trying to stop me from photographing what I want. But I am not going to go out of my way to hurt the most wonderful person I have ever met. Given the choice between shooting a tied up model and avoiding hurting Lin, I will choose Lin in a heart beat.
This is one reason why after 20 years of being together we can enjoy a strong stable relationship and still allow ourselves to grow with new experiences.
You make some valid points about bondage and peoples/models reactions to it. But your critisim of Lin is misplaced and out of order.
Melvin,
You and Rich are both right. I fully admit that I am projecting my emotional response to submissiveness and bondage. I simply can't control my emotions regarding this, no matter how much I try. I have "issues" as I've often been told.
Rich is free to shoot what he wants. I don't want to limit his art. But ah, how the past colours our judgement!
Unfortunately there is no objective way to navigate this emotional minefield. Emotional trauma is by its nature, very messy. We just have to muddle through as best we can, and when we get screwed up, reply on love and friendship to get us through the rough bits.
Believe what you like, but attaching personal trauma of a non-consensual natue to fetish/bdsm/bondage play is the same as saying a cat is a dog. If it were that simple, I wouldn't care, but the fact is that "well intentioned" people use that sort of attachment to try imposing their own moral agendas on the private lives of others.
The fact is, it's not really up to me to understand anyone else's past. It's up to me to make sure that past dosen't get attached to anyonee else's present. Call me "out of line" or whatever you like, but I'm not the one who brought up the past trauma in question.
For the record I'm certainly not going to apologise for defending your right to do your art in the way you see fit. If you don't want to excersice that right, that's a personal decision that I have nothing to do with.
I think it bears repeating that regarding bdsm/fetish/bondage art/philosophy as "play acting" or "a bit of" fun is the sort of thinking that leads to situations like this. The more I think about this, the more it seems that the model in question came to the situation with an emotional commitment that not everyone was ready to see (tears really aren't an uncommon result of bondage play). Once again, I would suggest communicating with the model about her thoughts on the matter before labeling the shoot a "disaster".
Bondage isn't a toy or a pose...It's serious business and powerful energy. It's always best to treat it as such.
Melvin, yes of course you're right. I neeed to disaasociate my past from photography, modelling and art in general.
But it is difficult, espcially when a powerful piece of art or a photograph shot in a certain way reminds you of a past you'd rather forget. Art pushes your buttons - it's what it is supposed to do.
You are of course quite correct. Those that fail to treat bondage with the approriate level of seriousness, do indeed run the risk of getting a nasty shock. Which is precisely what happened.
If I fly too close to the sun, I'm going to get burned - I would do well to remember that in future.
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