The Art of Bullshit
Long term readers will recall that my oldest son is studying for an art scholarship at the esteemed Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. This is only awarded if they can detect that he is “truly gifted” (whatever that means) and that he “spends the majority of his leisure time creating art.”
Please note that photography doesn’t count as art, according to the Hogwarts examiners (don’t get me started!), although <10% of his portfolio as computer graphic design is apparently acceptable. Considering he spends 90% of his free time doing graphic art, at least some of his play-time can be used. He really shines at CGI stuff, that’s where his talent lies, but he needs this scholarship to prove to himself he can do it, and he quite rightly thinks that formal art training will help him on his future quest to be the world’s greatest graphic artist. (He’s only twelve. I bet you had big aspirations at twelve, if you remember that long ago.)
Anyhoo, next week is the week it all happens. He has an exam of course, comprising drawing still-life art under time constraint, and then he has to explain and critique a random painting which is given to by the examiners. In addition, he has to present his portfolio next week to the external examination board, and after they have judged it, he has to spend fifteen minutes speaking about his own work and critiquing five of his best images. According to his art teacher, the tea-addicted-and-very-vague Professor Trelawney, whether or not he succeeds in his quest for ultimate glory depends largely on how many times he uses the word “inspired” in his speech. Big help. Thanks for that, Professor.
If he gets the scholarship, he will of course get major kudos within the school, plus a special red cloak and presentation ceremony in the magnificent city cathedral, the award of “a scholar,” adoration from practically every female in his year (chix dig the scholars, and the red cloak, AND especially they dig blond-haired-blue-eyed-teenage artists…this, I suspect, presents strong motivation in his quest for ultimate glory.) Oh and I’ve promised him a new graphics card for his computer too, if he gets it. (Bribery works wonders - we get a not-insignificant discount on his astronomical school fees if he succeeds.)
The poor lad is completely terrified, to be honest. He’s only twelve, and this is the scariest thing he’s ever done in his entire life. He’s worked his little ass off for the last six months, producing some very fine art for his age (all things considered) and I am praying he gets this, not for the money (which in the end, is unimportant), but because he wants this so badly that he can taste it. Can you remember how fragile your ego was at twelve?
His work is pretty good for his age, I think. His technique is excellent, but his oral presentation needs a miracle.
We have one solitary weekend left to prepare for the big speech on his port on Monday.
"What are you going to say?" I asked him tonight.
“Mum,” he said, “I’ve got nothing. Is it too late to quit?”
So this weekend appears to be a crash course in the Art of Artistic Bullshit. He needs to learn how to analyse his own work. They want to know why he produces the surrealist-style art he does. He hasn’t got a clue to be honest. When I’ve asked him he says, “It just spurts out of me. I don’t know why. I just sit down with a pencil, and two hours later I have a picture.”
“Well, say that then,” I said.
But according to Hogwarts, honesty will not get him the prize. He needs self-awareness, psychoanalysis, arty-speak. He needs to fake inspiration from somewhere. When asked how he feels about his art, he looks like a startled rabbit. Complete blank. No clue at all. Nada.
How do you learn how to pimp your art in a weekend? How can a twelve year-old learn to sell himself to a big, scary examination board?
Can you fake a description of inspiration? Why isn’t the truth enough? Why can’t he stand up and say “I have no idea why I draw this stuff. Judge me on my results, not what I say?”
Why does bullshit matter more than the art itself?
All advice and tips, gratefully received. We need help, folks.
Panicking, we definitely are.
Labels: Art, CGI, Miscellaneous
posted by Lin at 7:06 PM
13 Comments:
Unfortunately, bullshit does speak louder than the art itself. Humility, in the art world and elsewhere, is treated almost like a character flaw these days. Does your son play computer games? If so, perhaps he might look at what's expected of him as a tactic. Perhaps you could make analogies to characters in a computer game where the explanation of things like "what inspires him" adds "strength points" to his game's character.
I have no help to offer. I suck at bullshit of my art, or anyone else's for that matter.
All I can think... is that it's sad that a 12 YEAR OLD, should HAVE to pimp his art.
At that age... he should be allowed to say, draw, and feel whatever he wants. But.. I guess I think that should be the case at ANY age, when it comes to art.
Alas... doesn't seem to be.
All my very best hogwarty wishes to him, and you!!! That's what I can offer.
Huge hugs,
Lela
This post made me sad and also caused a flashback to photo school. Sad because he is being honest and that isn't what academia wants from an artist. But down the path of bullshit lies madness and bad art. There's a line he must learn to walk and he's much too young to have to learn that. sigh...I do wish him luck and success.
The flashback will probably not be of much help, but it is relevant. In photo school we had frequent in-class critiques of everyone's work. The poor victim of the moment would put his/her latest efforts up in the room and everyone was expected to have something to say about it. Often there really was nothing to be said, but some bullshit was required. I found that, no matter what the subject matter, you could always get by with a knowing nod, a furrowed brow and the words, "Definite sexual overtones." That always got lots of nods of agreement from the class and the professor.
BULLSHIT - Now that's something I understand. What is Art? Don't have a clue. What's Bullshit? Got a clue. Now ya have to understand this is in the afternoon here in Chicago, so no alcohol is involved. I say that because some of my best Bullshit needs a little lubrication. But I'll give it a shot.
Ah Mr Hogwarts Examiner - You want to know why I draw in the style I do. Well, why do you wear the clothes you do? Because that's what you like and it makes you feel good. That's what my art is to me. It gives me back much more in joy and satisfaction than the effort I put into producing it. I have been asked, "where does the ideas, the inspiration come from". Simply. A blank piece of paper is enough inspiration for me, when I see it, it just begs me to cover it with my art. Really, I am just responding to the huge amount of images, sounds and other stuff that bombard my brain each day. I then pull bits and pieces back out as I put pencil to paper and create my art. Sometimes I just start to see things that would fit together - some people when they see my art have a hard time seeing the connections of the images - in fact sometimes I myself have a hard time trying to explain the connections with words, but my heart always sees the harmony in what some call chaos . To tell you the truth there are times I can't say what was my inspiration. I have what I call - Flow - it's like a flow of energy that just has to get out of me. I sit down and the drawing just flows onto the paper. I have or no preplanned ideas and I don't really know what direction they are going go, I just let it go and sometimes after more than two hours I realize I'm done, but to me it seems it has been just minutes since I sat down to start.
All I can really say is I'm 12 years old and just want the chance to form a solid base here at H.S.F.W.A.W. that I can build on. To be able to improve the quality of my art as I pursue my future inspirations.
Thank you for giving me this great opportunity to come before you.
Well I did get a few inspirations in, but ya probably have to 12 year old this up in spots, but feel free to use all, some or not at all.
Tell your oldest that the worst that can happen is he doesn't get the scholarship. I know, that will get a look that only a 12 year old can give an adult. It's a tough concept for a kid to grasp, but he can't lose. He can only gain. He doesn't have the scholarship now so he can't lose it - he can only gain it. Gain or lose he will also gain the experience of this dog and pony show to use the next time he has to jump through these kinds of hoops to get the next level of education or that first job, or whatever. Invaluable.
To #1 Son.
Just relax, be yourself, they can't hurt ya, do it like it's already in your back pocket and this is just to show them they made the right choice. Good Luck I'll be rooting for you from the U.S.of A.
D.L. Wood
Honesty is always the best policy. I suggest he just say "I have no idea where it comes from...it just does".
bt
I like your son's approach to it, personally. I do what I do because it's what I do.
Best of luck!
Bullshit is never the answer. And that's especially true for a twelve-year-old! What he said to you, I thought, was splendid, and without being self-deprecating. Go with the truth.
Thanks guys (and gals). Much appreciated. And a special thanks to Mr Wood, for sprouting some of the best arty bullshit I've ever read. Darn it, you're good :-)
That sounds like hard work for an adult, let alone a 12 year old! He sounds like a credit to you whether he gets the scholarship or not.
By the way, who's into Half-Life 2 and Garry's Mod in the pic at the bottom?
Another morning and a can of Guarana' in my system and I think of a couple responses that other artists have made to this sort of inquery:
I don't think this one has been reliably attributed to the originator, but, to paraphase, "Talking about art is like dancing about architecture."
And, of course, Robert Frost's response when asked to explain one of his poems, "You want me to say it worse?"
Lin,
It sounds like your son needs to come up with something that many artists need to drum up: the dreaded "Artist's Statement."
I've read some Artist's Statements that leave me thinking to myself :Huh??? Do they actually expect people to believe this nonsense?" Well, obviously they do - or they've just been forced to come up with that kind of drivel for the same reason that your son has to come up with it.
I went to a workshop on marketing one's photos and I had to write an Artist's Statement. It was very brief (just one paragraph) and I wrote about having studied classical art and how I view my models as "living sculpture" (all true), but hey, let's face it - I just like to photograph naked chicks (albeit with a serious sense of purpose).
Your son's predicament reminds me of something that happened to me. I and a couple of my friends in grade school were applying for admission to a private high school and we went there to be interviewed by one of the teachers. The teacher asked me a question to which I did not know the answer, so I simply said, "I don't know."
He then asked my friend Steven the same question, and even though he didn't know the answer, either, he went on for several minutes giving him some bullshit response. The result? Steven got accepted by the school and I didn't.
That experience did help years later when I was undergoing my comprehensive exams to get my M.Phil. degree at the Yale University Graduate School. I had to field questions from the departmental faculty for an hour and a half, and my first three answers were "I don't know," "I don't know" and "I don't remember." (I thought to myself, "You're not doing too well, Dave.") After that things got better - I did know the answers, after all! - but when asked for something that I didn't know, I admitted that I didn't know it but also continued by telling them of related things that I did know. (Better that, I figured, than sitting there looking like I knew nothing at all.)
The result? After the questioning was over, I went to the departmental secretary's office so the faculty could deliberate on my fate. The Director of Graduate Studies came to get me shortly thereafter - which prompted the secretary (who'd been working there for 25 years) to know that I had either passed or failed miserably.
I passed.
Thanks for that Dave. First time I've heard of the Artist's Statement. Definitely a good idea.
I enjoyed this post - I think the term "bullshit art" should be used in art history books as an alternative to such things as conceptual art, installation art and, well Shit Art as well. See my blog for a link to an article about art made of shit!
Excellent term - Thanks
Simon
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