The Absence of Self
“There is no me. I do not exist. There used to be a me but I had it surgically removed.”
Peter Sellers
No doubt some of you will be wondering why our blogging has been minimal in the past few weeks. It hasn’t all been over-work-related. I’ve been feeling slightly below par recently. This is totally unlike me, as I‘m usually an incredibly balanced and sensible person (It’s true, and you can all just stop laughing now, otherwise I‘ll thump you.). However there’s no doubt that strange things have been happening, courtesy of my expanding/shrinking/currently-in-its-death-throes-tumour.
I was warned of course that there would be lasting side effects of the treatment, But being warned about something isn’t the same as living it. The effects are really kicking in now. Vertigo, pain, nausea, chronic itchy head (I nearly shaved my head yesterday out of sheer desperation.) And my personality is changing on a daily basis, depending on what part of my brain the tumour is pressing today. Rich is an absolute saint for putting up with me, I can tell you that. For example I woke up yesterday as an atheist, for no reason at all (Rich calls it enlightenment and takes it as a good sign!)
I’ve absolutely no idea what has happened to “the real me.” She’s long gone. I’m a floating voter at the moment. I’ve nearly deleted the blog at least 21 times last week (that’s three times a day.) Now don’t you go feeling sympathy for me, 'cos that will only make me mad. And I’ll probably delete this post anyway, but assuming I decide to leave it up or you catch it via RSS feeds, this is by way of explanation as to what’s happening in The Fluffytek Photographic World. Oh and Rich worked 82 hours last week. The man is superhuman. He really is.
Anyhoo, I’m not feeling despondent about all of this, and I do know I’ll get past all the side effects, but in the meantime, you can anticipate wacky personality changes on my part, and no doubt the bloggie-style and contents will fluctuate accordingly.
For example, I’ve been tempted to pick up a camera recently. Very strongly tempted. Resistance to this foolish notion is not aided by the fact that Rich has offered me his old Canon 350D. Not that I want to shoot female nudes though. No worries there (I’m not that crazy. Yet.) But sometimes I really do get tempted to view life from the other side of the lens. T’would be interesting, and rather therapeutic, methinks. Plus it would provide answers to the constant questions I inevitably ask “How do they do that? What lighting do they use? How is a photograph produced?” (Rather than the viewer’s/writer’s perspective of why?) Hmm. We shall see. I really would make a terrible photographer you know.
Right, off to my lime-and-lemon-grass-flavoured-bubble-bath. If I don’t decide to go to the dark side and take up photography or full-time writing, I might alternatively pursue a new and exciting career inbreeding Norwegian Forest cats, or even start a company selling exotic-flavoured-bubble-bath. Plus we could get some really good photos of bubblicious models (with said Norwegian Forest Cats) soaking in a giant steamy foamy tub. Cliché. Cliché. Predictable glamour photography, I know. Rich is shuddering at the thought.
Anyway, who gives a damn if a photograph’s been done many times before, as long as it smells nice?
Pirate Maiden. I've no idea if she smells nice, but very probably.
This post will self-destruct in 5 seconds.
Peter Sellers
No doubt some of you will be wondering why our blogging has been minimal in the past few weeks. It hasn’t all been over-work-related. I’ve been feeling slightly below par recently. This is totally unlike me, as I‘m usually an incredibly balanced and sensible person (It’s true, and you can all just stop laughing now, otherwise I‘ll thump you.). However there’s no doubt that strange things have been happening, courtesy of my expanding/shrinking/currently-in-its-death-throes-tumour.
I was warned of course that there would be lasting side effects of the treatment, But being warned about something isn’t the same as living it. The effects are really kicking in now. Vertigo, pain, nausea, chronic itchy head (I nearly shaved my head yesterday out of sheer desperation.) And my personality is changing on a daily basis, depending on what part of my brain the tumour is pressing today. Rich is an absolute saint for putting up with me, I can tell you that. For example I woke up yesterday as an atheist, for no reason at all (Rich calls it enlightenment and takes it as a good sign!)
I’ve absolutely no idea what has happened to “the real me.” She’s long gone. I’m a floating voter at the moment. I’ve nearly deleted the blog at least 21 times last week (that’s three times a day.) Now don’t you go feeling sympathy for me, 'cos that will only make me mad. And I’ll probably delete this post anyway, but assuming I decide to leave it up or you catch it via RSS feeds, this is by way of explanation as to what’s happening in The Fluffytek Photographic World. Oh and Rich worked 82 hours last week. The man is superhuman. He really is.
Anyhoo, I’m not feeling despondent about all of this, and I do know I’ll get past all the side effects, but in the meantime, you can anticipate wacky personality changes on my part, and no doubt the bloggie-style and contents will fluctuate accordingly.
For example, I’ve been tempted to pick up a camera recently. Very strongly tempted. Resistance to this foolish notion is not aided by the fact that Rich has offered me his old Canon 350D. Not that I want to shoot female nudes though. No worries there (I’m not that crazy. Yet.) But sometimes I really do get tempted to view life from the other side of the lens. T’would be interesting, and rather therapeutic, methinks. Plus it would provide answers to the constant questions I inevitably ask “How do they do that? What lighting do they use? How is a photograph produced?” (Rather than the viewer’s/writer’s perspective of why?) Hmm. We shall see. I really would make a terrible photographer you know.
Right, off to my lime-and-lemon-grass-flavoured-bubble-bath. If I don’t decide to go to the dark side and take up photography or full-time writing, I might alternatively pursue a new and exciting career inbreeding Norwegian Forest cats, or even start a company selling exotic-flavoured-bubble-bath. Plus we could get some really good photos of bubblicious models (with said Norwegian Forest Cats) soaking in a giant steamy foamy tub. Cliché. Cliché. Predictable glamour photography, I know. Rich is shuddering at the thought.
Anyway, who gives a damn if a photograph’s been done many times before, as long as it smells nice?
Pirate Maiden. I've no idea if she smells nice, but very probably.
This post will self-destruct in 5 seconds.
Labels: cancer, Pirate Maiden, rambling
posted by Lin at 12:35 PM
8 Comments:
Luckily we're in a time warp here in Chicago so thought I would get in on this before it disappears into blog oblivion. :-)
"My turn of mind is so given to taking things in the absurd point of view, that it breaks out in spite of me every now and then."
Lord Byron
1788-1824, British Poet
And then you have one of my most often used quotes from Mark Twain.
"Of all the things I've lost. I miss my mind the most."
I'd grab the camera. We can always use another distorted view of the world. :-)
D.L. Wood
Best wishes for you both, right now.
There are so many sides to each personality, shifting, changing. Sometimes because of a physical change, sometimes chemical, sometimes educational, philosophical, or artistic.
Leave your posts up. You can always delete them next year if you still don't like them, or don't want a record of them.
YES!! Take pictures. Everyone should.
Yes...yes, pick up the camera! And see how far down this rabbit hole goes.
Pick up the camera and when you hit morose we'll have a new Diane Arbus. When you get way out there ,bing Jerry Uelsmann.
You get the idea, strange mind sets and cameras can just go together.
Seriously hang in there I went through the same thing mentally after the thyroid cancer.
Pick up the camera, strip Richard nekkid and have him model for you.....with correct lighting of course, want fine art here. Oh, per Jimmy D, must be B&W otherwise it would be glamour.
BTW, PLEASE don't post the pictures if you follow this advice.
Seriously, enjoy the broad range of life you are experiencing, most people just live in a tiny corner.
Oh Lin, I so agree with the others. Pick up that camera!
You cannot and will not lose your self. I say this not only because you have such a strong personality to begin with that it would never go down, but also because I lived for years with a husband suffering from dementia. Just when I thought he was not "in there" in any way, shape, or form, he would say or do something so characteristic of him, only him, that I realized he was himself even if he had no clue who I was.
Our physical selves are nothing in the face of whatever it is that animates us.
Thank you Dr Lightness. You've no idea just how reassuring that last sentence is :-)
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