Photographers are forever, not just for Christmas
A couple of nights ago my four year old daughter and I were browsing Vogue together in our lilac scented bubble bath (because girls just wanna smell yummy) and we decided that we would ask her father for a nice big diamond each for Christmas (couriered via Father-Christmas-Express, naturally.) After all, girls love sparkly things, and what better way to demonstrate a guy’s lurve for his favourite laydeez than by buying them the ultimate symbol of love and devotion?
Rich was surprisingly vocal regarding the reasons why Father Christmas would not be supplying our present of choice. As I recall the words “money,” “broke” and “unrealistic” were used a lot. The Fluffy laydeez went to bed mightily disappointed that night.
Because I’ve always been spoilt and I invariably get what I want (even if I have to wait for it) I did not give up so easily. I really wanted that diamond, and it had to be real and pretty sizeable too because only anything over two carats would signify “forever.” I mean there’s just no point if it’s not genuinely hewn from real diamond rock by impoverished and exploited slaves in Sierra Leone, smuggled via the illegal black market and purchased lovingly off Ebay for $999. Only the bottomless corruption of the conflict diamond trade can equate to true love as your stunning jewel sparkles merrily on your finger. You are wearing not only a symbol of ultimate devotion, but a slice of suffering and exploitation. What girl could possibly resist?
Hmm. After reading about the horrors of the diamond trade, I don’t think that even I could ask for real diamonds, which is really saying something considering I’m a accountant/ex-lawyer and thus by definition I have no discernable morals at all.
Not one to admit defeat so easily, after much internet research I’ve subsequently hatched a cunning plan.
The solution?
Artificial diamonds.
Yes, yes I know what you’re thinking. Tacky, tacky, tacky.
Not so my dear friends because...behold…the latest artificial diamond technology will tenderly gather up the sacred ashes of your dearly departed and transform them into a rock the size of your choice.
Ooh, what a fabulous idea! And as we all know when you’re talking about men, size is everything. The bigger the size of your dearly departed, the bigger the rock. Portly men clearly offer the greatest potential when considering your future art-piece. Worried about ethical issues ladies? No problem I assure you. It’s merely the recycling of your loved one into a unique work of art. Surely the ultimate in green ethics? Preserve your husband, save the planet.
And think of the potential to honour your beloved hubby. Imagine how your best yummy mummy friend will congratulate you on your latest stunning rock which you are proudly showing off at the Saturday night dinner party. “Where did you get that fantastic ring, Meryl? It’s huge!”
“Well, funny you should ask that, Alice. Actually it’s Bert. You know he died recently. Very sad. He looks more beautiful than ever in the afterlife, don’t you think? And just look at his size! He’s at least two and a half carats now, you know. Jeez, I really loved that man ‘o’ mine and now we’re together again for all eternity. Guess that’s what marriage is all about.”
The moral of this story? Watch what you eat, and whatever you do, don’t upset the wife. You never know, she might decide that you’re worth more dead than alive and realise that diamonds can indeed be forever.
A tempting Christmas pressie for all you laydeez out there? (Click to enlarge)
Rich was surprisingly vocal regarding the reasons why Father Christmas would not be supplying our present of choice. As I recall the words “money,” “broke” and “unrealistic” were used a lot. The Fluffy laydeez went to bed mightily disappointed that night.
Because I’ve always been spoilt and I invariably get what I want (even if I have to wait for it) I did not give up so easily. I really wanted that diamond, and it had to be real and pretty sizeable too because only anything over two carats would signify “forever.” I mean there’s just no point if it’s not genuinely hewn from real diamond rock by impoverished and exploited slaves in Sierra Leone, smuggled via the illegal black market and purchased lovingly off Ebay for $999. Only the bottomless corruption of the conflict diamond trade can equate to true love as your stunning jewel sparkles merrily on your finger. You are wearing not only a symbol of ultimate devotion, but a slice of suffering and exploitation. What girl could possibly resist?
Hmm. After reading about the horrors of the diamond trade, I don’t think that even I could ask for real diamonds, which is really saying something considering I’m a accountant/ex-lawyer and thus by definition I have no discernable morals at all.
Not one to admit defeat so easily, after much internet research I’ve subsequently hatched a cunning plan.
The solution?
Artificial diamonds.
Yes, yes I know what you’re thinking. Tacky, tacky, tacky.
Not so my dear friends because...behold…the latest artificial diamond technology will tenderly gather up the sacred ashes of your dearly departed and transform them into a rock the size of your choice.
Ooh, what a fabulous idea! And as we all know when you’re talking about men, size is everything. The bigger the size of your dearly departed, the bigger the rock. Portly men clearly offer the greatest potential when considering your future art-piece. Worried about ethical issues ladies? No problem I assure you. It’s merely the recycling of your loved one into a unique work of art. Surely the ultimate in green ethics? Preserve your husband, save the planet.
And think of the potential to honour your beloved hubby. Imagine how your best yummy mummy friend will congratulate you on your latest stunning rock which you are proudly showing off at the Saturday night dinner party. “Where did you get that fantastic ring, Meryl? It’s huge!”
“Well, funny you should ask that, Alice. Actually it’s Bert. You know he died recently. Very sad. He looks more beautiful than ever in the afterlife, don’t you think? And just look at his size! He’s at least two and a half carats now, you know. Jeez, I really loved that man ‘o’ mine and now we’re together again for all eternity. Guess that’s what marriage is all about.”
The moral of this story? Watch what you eat, and whatever you do, don’t upset the wife. You never know, she might decide that you’re worth more dead than alive and realise that diamonds can indeed be forever.
A tempting Christmas pressie for all you laydeez out there? (Click to enlarge)
Labels: CGI, Miscellaneous
posted by Lin at 11:09 AM
2 Comments:
A kiss may be grand but it won't pay the rental
On your humble flat, or help you at the automat
Men grow cold as girls grow old
And we all lose our charms in the end
But square-cut or pear-shaped
These rocks don't lose their shape
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
You all know the source of these lyrics...Carol Channing, Marilyn Monroe, Madonna, Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge... All these beauties can't be wrong, Lin.
Diamonds are overrated. I've always been proud to be referred to as a cubic zirconia in the rough.
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