The Harshest Critic

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It sometimes strikes me that I'm a really dreadful photographer’s wife.

Over the last few years I have talked to and corresponded with many partners of nude photographers. Some are inherently hostile to their spouse’s photographic leanings of course, some have given up and either ignore their partner’s work completely or even elect for the divorce court. However occasionally I come across rare women who have instead decided on an alternative approach and are universally admiring of their hubbies. They never criticise, they never comment other than to express adoration, largely because they love and respect their partners’ art and rather than upset the applecart, they prefer instead to simply stay out of the way and keep their private opinions to themselves. They accept that he knows more about his art, because he is the photographer. His nude photography is his thang and they feel that they should tolerate, accept and recognise his work as the best art on the planet and definitely never, ever challenge it because The Photographer is God, and it doesn’t bode well for your harmonious relationship if you challenge a deity.

So if I follow their example, clearly I should be more adoring of Rich. I should always tell him his photos are wonderful and if I ever think otherwise, then I should keep those doubts to myself. But since when have I ever been sycophantic? Since when have I ever pandered to anyone’s ego? I’m not that type of person, and frankly, he deserves more.

Rich will tell you that I am a terrible partner, photographically speaking. “Who the hell wants to live with a critic?” he frequently says. He’s right of course. I give him a pretty hard time, you know. If he crops something badly, I pick fault. If his lighting is a bit off, I never let it go. If he shoots a photograph which is lacking in “mood,” I say “jeez, what happened?” I am not a nice person I’m afraid (I keep saying that and yet you still come back to read this stuff.) You should feel sorry for the poor bloke. I am the harshest critic a guy could have, and yet he gets to live with me 24 hours a day, and miraculously he still pays attention to what I say.

Now you all know I’m passionate about photography. It’s my life. And of course Rich is a really good studio photographer, no question about that, and naturally I love his work (I have good taste.) However if you just express endless adoration for someone’s photographs without any constructive commentary, just “love-love” and telling him that he’s wonderful without any input other than “Darling, you are such a Photographic Sex God,” how is this beneficial? How does it make his art grow? If all you do is suck up to your other half, your very own dedicated photographer, then you are doing him no favours at all. You are simply feeding his ego, in which case you are doing him a disservice.

As his partner, you’re supposed to be his muse - it’s your job. Get off your cute, cellulite-ridden ass (which he loves and respects more than any other, otherwise he’d never have agreed to spend his life with you) and do something useful. Criticize. Challenge (tactfully - you gotta live with the guy, after all.) Be as honest as you can be, because otherwise how else can you possibly help him? O.K. So you’re not a photographer. That doesn’t mean you can’t see. Just because you are only an occasional model (if you’re not then you should be), and just because you don’t pick up a camera yourself, doesn’t mean that you’re devoid of insight, that you should just let his ego run unrestricted. You have more access to his art than any other person on the planet. He trusts and respects you. Use that privilege to inspire him, to help him grow as an artist.

Now you might think “why should I intervene? He has plenty of other models telling him he’s fabulous. His ego is already supersized to the size of a Double Whopper with extra cheese. What the hell does he need me for?” And yes indeedy, these laydeez are young and gorgeous and they do tell him rather too often just how cute he is and how much they adore his work (how else will they get him to photograph them?) But it’s just the power of the camera talking. It doesn’t mean anything.

You are the one he loves (otherwise he wouldn’t be with you) and he values your opinion above all others. Instead of feeling threatened by his photography, you should embrace it. Love his awesome talent, yes, but use your years of artistic experience to critique it. After all this time being with him, you know nearly as much about him as he does (probably more), plus you have the benefit of being able to take a step back and really look at his work objectively and constructively. He’ll listen, believe me. Yours is the opinion that matters most in the world to him, he will love you more for taking an interest in his work, plus the quality of his art will leap forwards as a result of your honesty. For what else is love if it’s not expressing the Truth?

Trust me ladies, this is a win-win scenario. You are the ones who hold the power here.

As his muse, it is your duty to use it wisely.

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Pirate Maiden

And before you wind up feeling really sorry for Rich having to put up with an ogress like me, let me tell you that our relationship is based on total equality and mutual truth. Oh yes it is. Namely I visited the nether regions of hell before this post met his exacting standards. Criticism is a double-edged sword. Dammit.

The Golden Fluffies 2007

The Fluffytek Photographic Nude Blog Awards 2007

(For RSS feeds, please don't view this in your reader. Open it in a separate window, otherwise you won't see the award)

Welcome readers to our favourite day of the year: The Golden Fluffies 2007 Awards, given to the finest photographic nude bloggers on the planet. (Note: this doesn’t mean the bloggers are nude – we have no clue about this – just that the photographs are of nudes.)

Well, things back here at Fluffytek HQ have been a tad frantic over the last few days. In fact Rich and I have been arguing all Christmas week, and we blame you lot. With such a wealth of amazing talent out there, it is nigh impossible to stay objective about the judging process. Indeed, we gave spent days and days re-reading all your blogs and sweating over stunning pictures of naked boobies. Gee, it’s a hard life but someone’s gotta do it.

The Golden Fluffies are our tribute to you, the artists, who give up so much time to run your fantastic blogs, who show your passion for photographic art on a daily basis. It takes dedication, perseverance and downright bloody-mindedness to regularly maintain a blog several times a week, and that’s even before shooting the outstanding photography which goes with each post. The fact that you give up so much of your free time to this art form is pretty amazing to us.

Make no bones about it, blogging is difficult. All the artists featured here have won because their words matter as much as their photographic skill. Writing is an important medium too – it reflects you, the person, just as surely as your photographs do. You are all artists not only because you want to give pleasure, but because you "have to create”, because photography is in your soul.

Art is your life, and it shows. And that is why we are honouring you all here today.

The Golden Fluffies are for you.

All images are the copyright of the relevant artists and were posted on their blogs this year.

Award for best Overall Nude Blog

This is the main award for the Best Nude Blog including all styles of photographic nudes rather than just the classic fine-art nude style. We have argued about this for ages, but finally the one outshines the many.

Dave Rudin’s Figures of Grace. As well as doing wonders for foreign tourism, the Mr Darcy of the photographic world shoots amazing nudes. We particularly like the portrait styles. It’s in the eyes. All in the eyes. Plus his writing’s terrific too.

Sarah Ellis by Dave Rudin

Special kudos to our other favourite blogs, Dave Levingston’s Exposed for the Shadows (stunning outdoor nude and landscape photography), Gary M’s consistently top-notch Implications and Experience, BT Charles (who would have won several awards if only he hadn’t kept deleting his posts) and Mark Saintz’s inspiring Newcastle Art Nudes.

Award for Best Fine-Art Nude Blog

Magic Flute Fine Art Nudes by Stephen Haynes. With interesting cultural posts and gentle witty repartee, Stephen’s writing and distinguished fine-art studio photography have delighted us on a daily basis all year.

Rachel by Stephen Haynes

Best Model Blog

Of course it can only be The Iris Dassault Blog. Superior photography from world-class photographers, and outstanding writing from the leading laydeez of the photographic world.

Iris Dassault and Unbearable Lightness by Jim Young

Special mentions go to Lela Rae, and The Body, Heart and Mind of Orixx. Excellent writing on both, and check out Lela’s images in particular - wowee.

Best Glamour Blog

Jimmy D’s Pretty Girl Shooter. Simply the best glamour photography on the planet, and valuable photographic wisdom and dry (almost-English) humour from the Great Master himself. Read it. You will learn a lot about photography, or your money back.

Tera Patrick by Jimmy D

Special mention to the beautifully written Boudoir Photographer.

Best Photographic Style

For the second year running, Iksodas is the best out there. His art is moody, atmospheric, and always shows exclusive style and exquisite taste. You can instantly spot an Iksodas photograph out of hundreds of others. Oh and his writing is pretty cool as well.

Lane by Iksodas

Additional kudos for the magnificent Chip Willis, and the ravishing James Graham. All three of these chaps deserve anthologies in their own right, and could easily grace the pages of Vogue (well, the UK edition at least.)

Best Writer of the Year

There can only be one Hotel Room Nudes. Art, culture and nekkid chix. D Brian Nelson’s writing is wonderful, warm, honest and funny. The man has stories to tell, and photographs beautiful girls. Read this for your daily dose of wisdom. Our particular favourite post of the year can be read here.

Desiree by D Brian Nelson

Plus appreciative applause to Lela Rae’s new erotic fiction writing (there’s real talent there, methinks), and of course, to Feminism Without Clothes (kicks serious ass.)

Best Blog Image of the year

Both Rich and I had our socks blown off by this one. Wow.

Lela Rae and Reven, photography by Erica Spencer

Runner-up Best Blog image of the year

Please forgive our inclusion of this final image. For some reason, we feel it sums up 2007 perfectly.

Plain Jayne Jones by DVS

Lastly our profound thanks to all readers who have visited this humble blog and web site. Four million hits this year. We’ve no idea why you came, but we hope you found enjoyment.

Just remember Richard’s mantra: It ain’t art unless it’s got boobies!

The Google Game

Buck-naked nude nudes!

Naked nude female models

Why are two world class photographers playing the Google Ranking Game?

Are they addicted to the number of hits themselves, the power, the fame of having over 100,000 hits a week, the glory of being the world’s most visited nude blogs?

Guys, RELAX…..maximum hits are just for the masses….the quality of your Art is more important than the number of hits you get from tens of thousands of guys looking for cheap thrills.

Of course, it helps that your work quality is absolutely world class anyway, and that you are two of the best nude photographers in the world, but since the majority of people hitting your blogs are just frustrated pervs looking for non-paying ways of getting off, (pervs, we love ya, please don’t leave us!), why the fascination with being on page 1, 2 or even 10 of Google?

Doesn’t the Google hit obsession mean that you are as addicted to the hunger for glory as some power-obsessed glamour models looking to be the next Jordan? (For those outside the UK, Jordan is the UK’s number 1 glamour model, and a damn fine business-woman to boot. Google her! Jimmy D, you should shoot her!)

Shouldn’t the fact that you’re making world class Art mean much more to you? (Yes of course it does) Or can you actually have both? World class Art and be the world’s most visited nude blog? (And not attract the plebs that can’t appreciate Art if it spanked them on the bottom with a paddle)

Note I’m definitely not criticising, (in fact I’m jealous of your rankings and Google marketing technique) plus I’m searching for the reasons behind the nude rankings issue, the reasons why the photographer chooses to market his blog this way, what he’s looking for? Are all blogs just a marketing exercise? Is this what I'm doing unconsciously by writing this? BTW, an answer to the meaning of life as we know it would also be handy, while you’re answering all these questions.

On the other hand, if a photographer is earning an income from his work, then I can certainly understand the need to push up those Google ratings. Everyone’s gotta eat.

Talking of which, in preparation for our major day-job software release, Rich and I are spending several weeks revamping our main web site. As we are an internet software company, we depend on customers hitting our web site, and since most folks only look on page 1 of a Google search, it becomes critical that we are listed on page 1, for the UK anyway.

So I’ve been spending the week optimising the Google lingo….software terms which might be Googled by potential customers, and making sure the appropriate wording is located near the top of the front page.

Getting listed on the first page on a Google search is an art-form in itself. There are no current manuals to tell you how, the books and web articles written on it are hopelessly out of date, and beyond the obvious optimisation techniques, it seems largely a matter of trial and error. Of course, the quality and number of links to your web site/blog helps, so the better the links, the higher in the ratings you go. This is just as, if not more important, than putting keywords at the top of the page.

In addition, the latest Google spiders are "country sensitive" for some topics. This is a big problem for a small international internet software company like us, which means that there is no hope of getting our software listed on say, the US pages, unless we pay $5 a hit via Google Ads. And no I’m not kidding about the cost. Google Ads are a significant part of our overheads. This strategy was specifically designed and implemented by Google last year so as to boost their turnover, and of course, their share price too.

Google’s spider is a mysterious acromantula. No-one can fathom its algorithm, which changes every few months anyway, so just as you think you’ve got it sussed, Google changes the way it works, yet again, and you’re back to square one. Of course, Google has thousands of servers, but they appear to be governed by two main mothership Search servers. These both work in entirely different ways, and generate the hits and Google rankings differently. Every three weeks the two mothership Google servers switch, so whilst you may find yourself on page 1 for three weeks, and raking in loads of hits (and cash), by week 4 the servers have switched, and you are on page 5, have no income, and are starving to death.

To make matters worse, if you ever experience the unfortunate occurrence of being blacklisted by Google (surprisingly easy to do if the spider mistakenly thinks you are ghosting,or doing some other forbidden thing on Google’s secret list, which I might add, also changes on a regular basis), it takes at least 12 weeks (and sometimes up to 9 months) to get listed again. Pleas, emails, phone calls, begging simply don’t work. You just have to spend weeks guessing what you’ve done wrong, and pray that their spider forgives you some time soon before your house gets repossessed. We have been through this three times now, and it really sucks.

Google own your soul, and don’t you forget it.

And yes, yes, Gary, I do realise you were simply congratulating Don on his Google ranking. You’re not at all bothered about your Google rankings I’m sure.

And Don, I love ya, please forgive me….don’t forget to put those naked chicks/nekkid chix keywords at the START of the post, and BTW, if you ever want a new job optimising our Google rankings, you know where to find us……..



Roswell Ivory, in a pose which is vaguely spiderish (at least I thought it was!)