Seagulls, Sand, Sex, and Surveillance
"There was of course no way of knowing whether you were being watched at any given moment...it was even conceivable that they watched everybody all the time.”
George Orwell, 1984
A British couple were jailed in Dubai yesterday for having sex on a beach after an all-you-can-drink champagne brunch. Not quite the done thing to do in public when living in a strict Muslim country, methinks.
In complete contrast, a UK Police Review report "Guidance on Policing Public Sex Environments" published new guidelines this week recommending that the police turn a blind eye to couples having sex in public. Considering there are copious numbers of CCTV cameras on pretty much every cliff top and beach in the UK, I now have a vivid vision of the police officer at the station regularly drooling over his nightly dose of beach-porn videos on the surveillance cameras whilst sipping on a nice, steaming cuppa Tetley tea.
“Calling Constable Smith…Come in? Report. Report. How’s the surveillance shift tonight Winston?”
“Good to hear from you Superintendent O’Brien! It’s pretty quiet here Sir. Nowt to see apart from camera twelve. Justa couple of birds on the beach...”
“Birds? Well, I’m glad they’re proving stimulating, Constable. I know the nightshift can be a rather dull affair.”
“Cor, woooweee, Super! Looky at that 'un …I didn’t know they could do it as fast as that. Lordy that’ll make a heckuva mess in a minute.”
“Is a seagull fouling the lens, Constable?”
“Nah, Super, but I can report it’s really hammerin’ away down there … blimey it’s a speedy bugger, an’ such flexibility too, I didn’t think it was capable of such maneuvers…I wonder how it does that? Maybe I should go look-see.”
“Is it really worth investigating further Constable? After all, it’s only a bird. What interest can it possibly be?”
“Yeah Boss, but you should see its chest…I’ve never seen one that big. It’s just not normal.”
“Speckled or grey, Constable?”
“Difficult to tell from this angle, guvnor, although I can see a nice flush on its breast…”
“I didn’t know you were such an ornithologist, Constable?”
“Ah, funny you should mention that Super, it’s a new hobby I’ve taken up just this week. It’s bloody amazin’ what you can see on all these little cameras. Ya learn somethin’ new every day in this job. A new growth experience for me, Boss. In fact it’s very useful practical trainin’, if ya know what I mean?”
“Good, Winston, very good. I’m very glad to hear you’re finding your job satisfying.”
“Oh yeah Boss! I can vouch I’m totally, utterly satisfied. In fact I reckon all officers would benefit from this sorta on-the-job learnin’…”
“An innovating new training regime you mean? Gosh yes, Constable. What a jolly spiffing idea! Let’s mention it at tomorrow’s Ingsoc Divisional meeting. Make it so! A full report on my desk by 9 a.m. please. Do make it detailed, won’t you?”
“I’ll make it truly graphic, Boss, I promise…”
I last had sex on Bournemouth beach in 1984 (oh the irony!) It was 1.30 a.m. on a warm moonlit night after a rowdy beach party. There were big, foamy white waves and no cameras. It took weeks to get the sand out. Those were the days, eh?
Damn, I feel old.
George Orwell, 1984
A British couple were jailed in Dubai yesterday for having sex on a beach after an all-you-can-drink champagne brunch. Not quite the done thing to do in public when living in a strict Muslim country, methinks.
In complete contrast, a UK Police Review report "Guidance on Policing Public Sex Environments" published new guidelines this week recommending that the police turn a blind eye to couples having sex in public. Considering there are copious numbers of CCTV cameras on pretty much every cliff top and beach in the UK, I now have a vivid vision of the police officer at the station regularly drooling over his nightly dose of beach-porn videos on the surveillance cameras whilst sipping on a nice, steaming cuppa Tetley tea.
“Calling Constable Smith…Come in? Report. Report. How’s the surveillance shift tonight Winston?”
“Good to hear from you Superintendent O’Brien! It’s pretty quiet here Sir. Nowt to see apart from camera twelve. Justa couple of birds on the beach...”
“Birds? Well, I’m glad they’re proving stimulating, Constable. I know the nightshift can be a rather dull affair.”
“Cor, woooweee, Super! Looky at that 'un …I didn’t know they could do it as fast as that. Lordy that’ll make a heckuva mess in a minute.”
“Is a seagull fouling the lens, Constable?”
“Nah, Super, but I can report it’s really hammerin’ away down there … blimey it’s a speedy bugger, an’ such flexibility too, I didn’t think it was capable of such maneuvers…I wonder how it does that? Maybe I should go look-see.”
“Is it really worth investigating further Constable? After all, it’s only a bird. What interest can it possibly be?”
“Yeah Boss, but you should see its chest…I’ve never seen one that big. It’s just not normal.”
“Speckled or grey, Constable?”
“Difficult to tell from this angle, guvnor, although I can see a nice flush on its breast…”
“I didn’t know you were such an ornithologist, Constable?”
“Ah, funny you should mention that Super, it’s a new hobby I’ve taken up just this week. It’s bloody amazin’ what you can see on all these little cameras. Ya learn somethin’ new every day in this job. A new growth experience for me, Boss. In fact it’s very useful practical trainin’, if ya know what I mean?”
“Good, Winston, very good. I’m very glad to hear you’re finding your job satisfying.”
“Oh yeah Boss! I can vouch I’m totally, utterly satisfied. In fact I reckon all officers would benefit from this sorta on-the-job learnin’…”
“An innovating new training regime you mean? Gosh yes, Constable. What a jolly spiffing idea! Let’s mention it at tomorrow’s Ingsoc Divisional meeting. Make it so! A full report on my desk by 9 a.m. please. Do make it detailed, won’t you?”
“I’ll make it truly graphic, Boss, I promise…”
I last had sex on Bournemouth beach in 1984 (oh the irony!) It was 1.30 a.m. on a warm moonlit night after a rowdy beach party. There were big, foamy white waves and no cameras. It took weeks to get the sand out. Those were the days, eh?
Damn, I feel old.
Labels: landscapes, state
posted by Lin at 10:51 AM
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